Introducing the iPhone 5S

Here at Apple, we are obsessed with breaking
new boundaries, and today, we throw all of that out the window, and yet somehow, still
break boundaries. We have found a way to sell the exact same iPhone, a year later, changing
nothing but the name, and sell millions. And we call it, the iPhone 5, S. The S stands
for Same. We think you’re really going to love it. Take a look, isn’t it revolutionary?
To create the new iPhone we started with a design that we really loved, and then, stopped.
The iPhone 5 has been hailed as the best phone of all time, because people said so. What
this tells us is that people don’t really want change. Their love for Siri proves that
ignorance is bliss. They still want to go on unforeseen adventures with Apple Maps.
And they still prefer the phone to Auto-hangup on phone calls with annoying friends. So it
would be stupid to change what is already perfection. The iPhone 5S is the best iPhone
that we’ve ever created, because of all the reasons. We decided to spend more time on
marketing, because all that time added up, is time, added up. We laid off our entire
engineering staff to show how dedicated we are to this new direction. I think there is
this profound and enduring beauty with how much we are able to get away with, and we
push that, as far as we can. We have become incredibly innovative, with our deception.
We’re breaking new ground every day on how to deceive our mindless, loyal customers.
We have decided to take our world famous secrecy, public. By taking this same secrecy to the
products, while you have them. We haven’t even put the new name on the back of the iPhone
5S so you too can be just as deceptive as we are. The new iPhone 5S are definitely the
best phone. You won’t even notice you are using the new iPhone 5S. You won’t even remember
upgrading to the new iPhone. In fact, you are already using the new iPhone 5S, we did
an over the air update and automatically billed your iTunes account, you’re welcome. But there’s
one more thing. We are also launching a completely new product. It’s called the iPhone 5C. C
Stands for Cheap. It’s plastic, so now everyone can afford and iPhone, even the pesants. Actually
we did change one thing, your existing cables will no longer work. Introducing the magical
new cable, the Lightning S.

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