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Stephen Calls The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, Part One

Stephen Calls The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, Part One


>>Stephen: HEY, Y’ALL, I’M
NOT SURE IF YOU ARE FAMILIAR BUT IT’S ALREADY NOVEMBER 23rd. WHICH MEANS WE’RE ONLY THREE
DAYS AWAY FROM THANGSZ GIVING. THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THE HOST
IS ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF, AND THAT’S THE TURKEY. YOU GOT TO GET UP BEFORE DAWN TO
DE-BRINE IT, GIVE IT A DEEP SENSE YUS BUTTER SHIATSU AND
REMEMBER IF YOU PUT THE STUFFING INSIDE THE BIRD THERE IS A RISK
OF SALMONELLA SO SO REMEMBER PUT THE STUFFING INSIDE THE BIRD. THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED STUFFING. ROLL THE BONES, LIVE ON A HIGH
WIRE. STUFFING ON THE SIDE IS NOT
STUFFING, UNLESS IT’S STOF TOP STUFFING, ONE OF OUR SPONSORS. STOVE TOP, EAT IT. AND I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS
THANKSGIVING I’M FEELING A LITTLE BETRAYED BECAUSE IT HAS
JUST BEEN REVEALED THAT THE GROTION REE STORE LABELS ON THE
TURKEY MEAN VERY LITTLE. FRESH, YOUNG, NATURAL,
MEANINGLESS. BY THE WAY, I GOGGLED FRERN,
YOUNG, NATURAL– FRESH, YOUNG, NATURAL AND I– I WOULD LIKE TO
APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE AT CBS HUMAN RESOURCES. I UNDERSTAND THAT I VIOLATED
COMPANY POLICY AND IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. APPARENTLY FRESH TURKEY JUST
MEANS IT’S NOT FULLY FROZEN. YOUNG TURKEY MEANS THEY WEREN’T
ALLOWED TO DIE OF OLD AGE. NATURAL TURKEY HAS THE SAME
LEGAL STANDING AS CHEEZ WITH TWO Es AND A Zs AND WILD TURKEY
MEANS YOU’RE TOO DRUNK TO CARE ANY MORE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE POINT IS IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY ONES YOU CAN TRUST THESE
DAYS ARE THE GOOD PEOPLE AT BUTTERBALL. THEY’RE ALL ABOUT HELPING YOU
UNDERSTAND YOUR TURKEY. IN FACT, BUTTERBALL’S BEEN
RUNNING A TOLL FREE HOTLINE FOR TURKEY-COOKING TIPS SINCE 1981. THE MOST COMMONLY ASKED
QUESTION, HOW DO I THA-W MY TURKEY? OF COURSE BACK IN 1981 THE
ANSWER WAS WITH A PAIR OF LEG WARMERS. (LAUGHTER)
EVERY YEAR THE TURKEY TALK LINE RECEIVES MORE THAN 100,000 PHONE
CALLS, BUT SADLY, THEY HAVE NOT ONCE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE THE
TURKEY’S LIFE. (LAUGHTER)
AND WHILE THE HOTLINE OPENS ON NOVEMBER 2nd, NOT
SURPRISINGLY THE VOLUME PEAKS ON THANKSGIVING DAYMENT SO RIGHT
NOW, BUTTERBALL IS PAYING TURKEY EXPERTS TO SIT BY THE PHONE. BUT NO ONE IS CALLING. SO TO GIVE THOSE NICE TALK LINE
OPERATORS SOMETHING TO DO, THIS MORNING I CALLED THE BUTTERBALL
HOTLINE. (APPLAUSE)
AND I ASKED THEM SOME OF THE URGENT TURKEY QUESTIONS ON MY
MIND. THIS IS.>>THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS
THANKSGIVING TURKEY TIPS WITH OUR FRIENDS AT BUTTERBALL. FIRST THING’S FIRST. I CALLED THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY
TIP HOTLINE.>>BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE,
NICOLE SPEAK, HOW CAN I HELP YOU.>>Stephen: HEY, NICOLE, THIS
IS STEPHEN COLBERT FROM THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.>>WELL, HI, STEPHEN, HOW ARE
YOU TODAY?>>Stephen: I’M DOING FINE,
HOW ARE YOU, NICOLE.>>WE ARE FANTASTIC.>>Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION
ABOUT MY TURKEY, COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THAT?>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: WHAT IS THE BEST
WAY TO THA-W THIS THING OUT.>>GREAT QUESTION. THAT IS THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION
WE GET YEAR AFTER YEAR.>>Stephen: I GOT MINE IN THE
GARAGE IN A HEFTY BAG AND I POURED IT IN A JUG OF
ANTIFREEZE.>>OH PIE GOODNESS, YOU KNOW, WE
DON’T RECOMMEND THAT.>>Stephen: THANKS FOR YOUR
HELP.>>ALL RIGHT, THANKS, STEPHEN,
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.>>Stephen: BYE, YOU TOO. HI, TURKEY TALK LINE, WHO IS
THIS?>>THIS IS CHEF TONY, HOW MAY I
HELP YOU?>>Stephen: IS THAT YOUR NAME
OR IS CHEF YOUR TIGHT EL.>>CHEF’S MY TITLE AND TONY IS
MY FIRST NAME, YES.>>Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION
FOR YOU, TONY.>>YES.>>Stephen: I GOT A NEPHEW WHO
WANTS ME TO TAKE TOFU RKEY THIS YEAR, WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO
LET HIM KNOW HE’S NO LONGER WELCOME IN MY HOUSE.>>HE WANTS TO DO A VEGAN STYLE
TURKEY.>>Stephen: HE DOES.>>THAT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO
DO.>>Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE
ARE THERE THERE, ARE YOU ALL IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER?>>WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM
THERE ARE FIVE OF US.>>Stephen: TONY, IF YOU ARE
BEING HELD AGAINST YOUR WILL, JUST SAY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.>>HAPPY THANKSGIVING.>>Stephen: OKAY, I
UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND, LOUD AND CLEAR,
WE’RE GOING TO GET SOMEONE TO YOU RIGHT AWAY. STAY WHERE YOU ARE, TONY, DON’T
GO, STAY STRONG.>>BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE,
THIS IS JANET.>>Stephen: JANET.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: HI, I PLAN TO
SERVE MY TURKEY WITH SOME CRANBERRY SAUCE WHICH I LIKE
WITH A HINT OF ORANGE GLES AND RED WIEFNLT THE THING IS MY KIDS
LIKE IT PLAIN. SO SHOULD I SERVE BOTH KINDS OR
SHOULD I LEAVE MY FAMILY AND MOVE TO BARCELONA AND PURSUE MY
DREAM OF BEING A DANCER.>>I WOULD PROBABLY START WITH
LEAVING THE WINE OUT OF CRANBERRY FIRST AND GO AHEAD AND
ADD THAT LATER.>>Stephen: SO SERVE IT
WITHOUT THE WINE TO THE KIDS AND ADD IT FOR ME.>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: WITH THE WINE
UH-HUH.>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: I LIKE TO TACK A
PACKET OF ORANGE LIMB-U M-AID AND POUR IT UP UP SID DOWN AND
POUR IT IN A POT ELF PINOT GRIJ YO AND PUT A NIPPLE ON IT AND
CRAWL INTO A CORNER.>>YOU KNOW, WHATEVER WORKS.>>Stephen: HAPPY
THANKSGIVING.>>HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU
TOO.>>HI THIS IS THE TURKEY TALK
LINE, HOW CAN I HELP YOU.>>Stephen: FILLIST.>>YES.>>Stephen: IT IS STEPHEN
COLBERT FROM THE LATE SHOW.>>HOW ARE YOU.>>Stephen: I’M DOING FINE,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?>>WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL. WE’RE TALKING TURKEY HERE.>>Stephen: LET’S TALK TURKEY. HERE IS HOW I PREPARE MY TURKEY. I HAVE DEEP UNRESOLVED FEELINGS
OF RAGE. AND I, THEY COME OUT WHEN I-BASE
THE TURKEY. I DO WHAT I CALL HATE BASTING
WHERE I JAB IT WITH THE BASTER AND PRETEND IT IS THE FACE OF
PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED ME. HERE IS MY QUESTION, WILL THAT
FLAVOR COME OUT IN THE TURKEY?>>WELL, WE ARE IN COOKING LINE,
YET EXDRK DSH EXPERTS.>>Stephen: AS LONGS I HAVE
GOT YOU ON THE PHONE THOUGH, DON’T YOU EVER NEED TO LET OFF
SOME STEAM.>>YOU BET YOU, YES.>>Stephen: HALLOWEEN IS EASY
BECAUSE HAVE I DONE SOME UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO A UMP
PUMPKIN.>>OH, REALLY, CAN I IMAGINE YOU
DO THAT. BUT WHY DON’T YOU JUST BE GOOD
TO THE TURKEY THIS YEAR.>>Stephen: THANKS VERY MUCH,
HAPPY THANKSGIVING. SAY I HAD TO TONY. BYE.>>GOOD AFTERNOON, TURKEY TALK
LINE, CHEF TONY, HOW MAY I HELP YOU.>>Stephen: IT’S STEPHEN
AGAIN, HOW DO I DEEP FRY MY TURKEY WITHOUT CATCHING MY HOUSE
ON FIRE AND AS A QUICK FOLLOWUP QUESTION, CAN YOU CONNECT ME TO
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT?>>DON’T PUT A WET TURKEY IN HOT
FAT.>>Stephen: NEVER FRY A WET
TURKEY.>>NEVER FRY A WET TURKEY IN HOT
OIL.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: OKAY. STAY STRONG, TONY, AGAIN, HAPPY
THANKSGIVING? HAPPY THANKSGIVING?>>HAPPY THANKSGIVING.>>Stephen: YOU’RE BREAKING MY
HEART, TONY. WE’LL BE RIGHT THERE.>>THIS HAS BEEN THANKSGIVING
TURKEY TIPS WITH OUR FRIENDS AT BUTTERBALL.

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