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When People Borrow Your Phone…

When People Borrow Your Phone…


– Advanced warning of complete accuracy. (horse trotting) What up everyone? It’s your girl, Superwoman, and I don’t have any kids so
I’ve never experienced that protective moment when
you have a new born baby, and someone wants to hold it, so you’re like, “Oh okay. “Here you go, just if you could make sure “you just wash your hands, “and don’t swear and just
please don’t give it Coke, ” and if you could just make
sure everything’s organic.” (hollers) But I know exactly what that feels like, because I have a phone, and that my friends is a
completely fair comparison. Now if you own a cell phone, which chances are if you’re
eight years or older you do, because it’s 2016 and the world is crazy, then you know that terrifying moment when someone says, “Can I borrow your phone?” Am I the only one that
gets hit by a wave of panic when someone asks me this question? What? Oh, sorry I don’t have a phone. Oh, no like the battery is dead. I think we should stop being friends. Anything as long as
you don’t use my phone, and let me explain. It’s not even because my
phone was so expensive, and I’m scared you’re gonna break it. No, that’s not even it. Let’s me real, okay? People these days have broke up iPhones. Broken iPhone screens
these days means nothing. I seen people walking
around with their iPhones screen lookin’ like and f’n world map. Just like, hi, can I
get 10 stitches please? Oh, what happened? I zoomed into a picture on my iPhone. How do you function? But it stresses me out
when people use my phone because my entire embarrassing
life is in this device. You can think I’m totally
cool, like let’s be real. You probably do, like you know what’s up? But when you go through my phone and then you realize I’m
a total freakin’ freak. So you’re hangin’ with some friends, everyone’s havin’ a good time. Yo what’s up, what you say? No, what’s up (mumbles quickly). All of sudden, can I borrow your phone? Oh yeah, sure. Oh what’s the pass code? Ex-squeeze me? I will never understand
how people just casually ask one another, “Oh,
what’s your pass code?” What’s the point of a pass code if I just tell you what it is? That’s not much of a code then, is it? That’s just like a conversation. And I use the same pass
code for everything, so if I tell you my phone pass code, now you have access to my bank, okay. My garage door, my locker, etcetera. So that’s why I need
you to understand, okay, if I tell you my pass code,
I’m a need a security deposit, okay, I’m a need you to sign
this non-disclosure agreement. I’m a need a vial of your blood. And I’m a need your first born child. That’s right, you asked
me for my pass code, turns me into Rumpelstiltskin real quick. So then when you ask you
do that whole awkward thing where you’re like,
“Oh, you know what, here. “Let me do it.” And you’re smiling to
be like, oh it’s okay, That’s okay you made a mistake, I’ll just, I’ll just do it, but in
your brain you’re just like, “Obviously, stupid!” And now they’re using your phone and seconds feel like hours
because you are stressed and focusing on their every move. Why? Because my private matters
are in this phone, okay? Straight up my phone was
featured in a Harry Potter movie. It played the role of Chamber of Secrets. The genie’s lamp is
hidden in my phone, okay? It’s an iPhone Agrabah. Jon Snow’s mother is in my phone. All the hidden secrets. Stress one. If by chance you happen to
go through my photo album, you will find 100 pictures of
me that I took 10 minutes ago in the car before I walked into this establishment to meet you. Because I ain’t gonna lie,
okay, straight up take minimum, minimum 30 selfies
if I have to post a selfie. And that’s embarrassing
because you’re gonna see all my failed attempts
at tryin’ to be sexy. When you realize you just look
like a drunken rabbit, okay. But it’s absolutely necessary
to have that variety because they’re all slightly different. And you might be like, “Oh no,
but they all look the same.” And I’m be like, “Now,
okay, that man be bustin’ a protractor right now and
show you how the angle of my smile slightly changes, okay? That’s right, I know
nothing about Pythagorean or what the F his theorem was, but the second I need to prove
that my selfie game is on point, okay, that ish is
easy as three point one four. That’s right, easy as cake. No, but for real. You can put Waldo in the
middle of my iPhone photo album and like, no one would ever find him. Stress number two. Knowing my luck, while
my phone is in your hand, one of my ratchet friends
is gonna decide to send a picture of an almost naked man, or let’s be real, woman. Okay, we’re all lesbo’s, man,
all girls check out girls. And now you gonna think I’m a freak, okay. Let me just be honest with
you, my friends only text me for three reasons. Number one, pictures of hot people. Number two, screen shots of
conversations with stupid people and number three, to tell
me to open my front door. Can we be honest? No one rings the doorbell anymore. Doorbell? How 1999. It’s all about, here, open door. Coming. One sec. ‘Kay. Is that just me, if you can
relate, click the thumb’s up. Stress three. I stay lyin’ to people about
receiving text messages. What, you texted me? I didn’t get a text, I didn’t get a text. Oh my God, you know what? My phone as been acting up. When in reality, I got your text. I ignored your text. I replied to your text in my mind. I forgot about your text. I have 15 alarms scheduled on my phone and none of them are to
remind me to reply to your text message. Your text should be at
the back of a milk carton. I swear, my response is
too busy singing airplanes, you know why? Because it’s M-I-A. But now if you borrow my phone, you are going to see all of the
other people’s text messages I ignore and you’re gonna know I’m lying. Mad blue dots, blue dots everywhere. Unopened messages for days. And now the secret’s
out, you know I’m lying. And what, what we think that
I’m gonna think that you think that you’re some sort of
exception to this rule? That you’re the mother f’n giver or not, you know I’m lying, and now it’s awkward. You should have used a pay phone. Stress ca-tra. (mumbles in foreign language) Cat. (speaks in foreign language) What’s on my hand? Four. I’m a just level with you right now, okay? I’m a level with you. If you’re using my phone, and someone calls me, there’s an 80 percent chance
that the name that will appear on the phone will be
absolutely ridiculous. Oh, oh, hey. Big Booty Juicy Fruit is calling you. Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ignore it. It’s my bank. (laughter) Because I don’t always
identify people by their names, and to be honest most of the time I identify them by situations. Creepy Dude from the Bar is calling you. Someone called Don’t
Answer This is calling you. You see, secrets all of my secrets. Giving away all of my secrets. (silly laughter) That’s right, everyone’s normal until you go through their phone. Then you realize they’re
an f’n Looney Toon. What up, tank top, sweater reference? Yo, I hope you enjoyed that video, and you related to it. If you can relate to anything
I said in this video, give it a big thumb’s up so I
know that I’m not just talking crap and I’m not the only one. Comment below letting me know
if you think that I forgot any of the stresses associated with someone borrowing your phone. And yo, if you wanna
check out my last video, it is right there, it’s called, (mumbles). It’s called Types of People
You Saw on New Year’s. That’s the one. And if you wanna check out my vlogs, they’re right over there. And yo, make sure you
subscribe because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday. And I would love for you
to join this wonderful positive Team Super family. Until next time, one love Superwoman. That is a wrap, and zoom.

100 thoughts on “When People Borrow Your Phone…”

  1. My friends just take my phone and I'll just take theirs. We know each others passwords. We know like everything about each other.

  2. my brother asked for mine last night so i cleared all of my whatsapp chats and uninstalled instagram bc you cant clear chatss. i also unsaved all ofmy saved messages in snapchat

  3. Mother: can I check your phone?
    Me: casually deletes search history and account
    That moment when your life is about to end from your mother

  4. Things that I try to hide on my phone:
    1.Social media
    2. Search history
    3. Watch history
    4. Kpop celebrity pictures
    5. Shirtless celebrity pictures
    6. Watt pad library
    7. Kpop wallpapers

  5. Hey can I borrow you phone?
    Yeah sure!
    *casually thinks of how many things that person is going to see and how they react when they find a YouTube notification that is Minecraft* 😂😂😂😂

  6. Ohhhhhh my God I thought I was the only one uh uh uh get ready to relate 😎😎😎heh ! And I'm like why'd you need my phone get your own of you do not have one deal with it meeeeh! Mseu!!!!😀😀😀😰😰😰😰😰😱💩👊👊👊👎👅

  7. My first phone was in 5th grade I was ten and it was a sliding up phone. Then my phone was on and off a lot. Until I didn't have a phone until ninth grade again.

  8. Friend: "Can I borrow your phone"
    Me: Umm…Ok
    Hands over my phone
    Friend: What's your passcode
    Me: Umm no girl what you thinkin??????

  9. Things i hide in my phone:

    1: google search of noah centineo
    2: screenshots of noah centineo
    3: google search of noah centineo shirtless
    4: screenshots of noah centineo

  10. 🇮🇳🇮🇳 I barely to zero let strangers use my phone; and I deleted my voicemail too a few years ago because no one listened to my messages (or half my message😡😡) plus I DO NOT ANSWER NUMBERS I DO NOT KNOW OUT OF SAFETY🇮🇳🇮🇳

  11. F friends!
    MY MOM USES MY DAMN LAPTOP TO DO SH*T AT VERY SCARY RARE OCCASIONS.
    Seriously, I'm just staring and thinking like "please don't close the window. Don't read my Wattpad. It's a draft. Those spelling errors are embarrassing. Pleeeeease don't go to Twitter and see that I liked a tweet about poop jokes. Oh god"

  12. if you go through my gallery you may notice a "few" smexy bl scenes screenshots captured fron yaoi manga

  13. Ok text story so this two girl who were AWFUL to me and such mean white girls well one of them started sitting at are lunch table even tho we ALL hate her so she texted me a picture when she sat next to me and then checked my phone to see if I got it and saw that her name in my phone is mean girl 2 I she was so made and asked me why and I said “because your a total mean girl” 😂

  14. Wattpad is the most embarrassing thing that someone can have on their phone. No one wants to see my anime fanfics

  15. Yep
    I used to borrow my phone to other people ,but they found a lot of embarassing stuff I didn't even remember I had in it so yeah…
    Also,about the passcode…yeah.It doesn't matter who you are,if we are close or you're a stranger,still won't tell my passcode.

  16. I'm 11years old and I don't have a phone…. So I can't relate…. Unless someone asks for one of my pens.

  17. My mum does that 'identify by situation' thing too. For e.g. if she just got a new car, it would be "Ian New Car" cuz she got it from him. Or "Nisha daughter" (me)

    Also, she puts her contacts in all caps so it's like "NISHA DAUGHTER"

    like WTF?

  18. I feel you with the nicknames on your phone — my best friends name on my phone is “Squishy Fishy”

  19. This is what goes down when I go to a friends house
    Mom: “ok we’re here. Go knock on the door so she knows we’re here.”
    Me: “nah I’ll just text her.”
    Mom: “no just go knock. It’s easier.”
    Me: “don’t be ridiculous…”

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